I miss him deeply

 

THE LAST BOOK FROM R. SACKS

BOOK REVIEW

Felix Tempts Jack Harkness - Part VI: Is this wise?

I've been keeping my biographer busy with research, so I apologize this took this crafty writer so long.  Here is her next chapter in this Torchwood fanfiction.  Enjoy!

Part VI – Is this wise?

And you make me talk

And you make me feel

And you make me show

What I'm trying to conceal

If I trust in you

Would you let me down?

Would you laugh at me

If I said I care for you?

Could you feel the same way too, I wanna know

The name of the game

·       Name of the Game, as sung by ABBA

Under normal circumstances, Ianto would be fully engaged in movie watching, the older the movie the better – the silents were his favourite.  But now was not that time.  Now, both of them were semi-dressed again and sitting in the living room.   Additionally, To Have and Have Not was on the tellie and just past the part where Lauren Bacall asks if Bogart knows how to use his lips.  That scene revealed the heat growing between the actors that would bloom into a happy marriage lasting until Bogart’s death.   Watching it now made Ianto a bit sad.  He’d wanted such passion between Lisa and him but it never got there.  And as Ianto thought about it more, he started to accept the possibility – no, the reality – that Lisa did not love him as he loved her.   And he wondered if she would have gone to the same lengths he had to save him from turning into a monster.

“Penny for your thoughts!” Jack asked.  He’d noted Ianto’s face and didn’t like it.  “You look like you’ve come to some unhappy conclusion.”

Ianto shook his head, dismissing the older man.  “No, eh, nothing,” he waved off.  “Right, cup of tea?”

“Sure, should we pause the movie?”

“That’s okay, I can hear from the kitchen.  I put a second screen and speakers in there a few months ago.”   Ianto stood up.  “Snacks?  My sister made me some fabulous,  They should still be fresh.”

“Sure,” said Jack.  “Are you and your sister close?”

“Do you mean does she know about Torchwood?  No, but otherwise we are close.  She’s married with a couple of kids.  I visit when I can.”  Ianto looked off longingly, wondering if he too would ever have a family.  “Visiting them is a nice change.”

Jack chuckled.  He recalled the families he had created over the decades, some successful, others not so much but each long gone and visits became awkward over time as folx aged and he did not.  Yet, Jack had forgotten how much he liked being married, despite its difficulties and struggles.  “Have you thought about having a family?  I mean, to hear Gwen and Reese . .  . well, that’s all they talk about when I go to their house for dinner.”  Jack wasn’t sure he should or could talk about that part of his past, especially after his last marriage – it was all so painful, and he’d done things for which there was no forgiveness – no coming back from.  Immortality just gave you more time to fuck up.

Ianto didn’t answer.  He was already in the kitchen wondering how he could convince Jack to return to bed and finish Ianto’s education.  Jack heard the young man moving around, the clink of items being loaded on a tray.  It took Felix to remind Jack why he should not get any crazy ideas.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Harkness!” sneered Ianto’s pet.  “You have little to offer other than your sex skills.  We both know this.”

Jack leaned into the animal who lay on a fluffy grey bed on the floor near Ianto’s recliner.  “Now you shut up, you scraggly feline!  I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you, Harkness?”  Felix sat up in the bed, looking imposing.  “I love that man, you know!”

“I love him too!” The words fell from Jack’s mouth before he could stop them.  He would have retracted it, but the creature would have known he was lying.  Nevertheless, saying it aloud stunned Jack.  “I’d never hurt him”, he whispered.

Felix came closer to him then said, “I know you wouldn’t hurt him intentionally – that lovemaking from before was not something out of a Tinder fling.”  The cat’s face was less accusatory as he was feeling sorry for Jack all of a sudden.  “Listen, I know you care for him.  I know you have kept it to yourself for quite some time.  I know you will protect him with your life, if necessary.  But, I also know that your lifestyle, your world is what kills those who love you.  The longer he is with you, the higher the risk . . .”

“I know,” growled Jack.  “Do you think I like this?”  He clinched his lips and sneered, “I’ve tried, I really have.  But . . . he follows me and his . . . smell . . . is intoxicating.”

“He says the same thing about you.  Do you know he sniffs your coat at night before going home?”

“So that’s why he always ‘straightens my office’ before he leaves.”

Felix turned twice and curled back into his bed.  He sighed, “I suppose then there is nothing I can do.  You’re both hooked.  Just promise me, promise me you’ll be good to him . . . good to him until the end.”

“I promise nothing will happen to him.  I will protect him, I said!”

“Jack Harkness,” the cat sighed again and closed his eyes, “I know you will protect him whatever way you can.  But Ianto Jones will die on your watch . . . it is the fate of everyone who tangles with you.  I just want you make sure Ianto knows until the end that you love him and will not forget him as you have the others.”

“What?  I have forgotten none of them.  Each one is like a deep scar on my heart!” groaned Jack.  “What do you know, you . . ,” but Ianto returned with a tray of tea and small white pastries.

“Are you two talking?  It would be nice if you got along,” said Ianto as he set the tray on the coffee table. “I mean, if you come by sometime again.”

Jack reached up and grabbed Ianto’s hand, palm-side up.  He looked deep into Ianto’s eyes before he kissed the sensitive skin at the pulse point.  “Ianto Jones, I plan to come here often.”  Jack waited for the image to reach Ianto’s cerebral cortex and for the shiver to roll down the man’s arm.  He waited a few heartbeats more to let sexual images float in the young man’s mind like an erotic dream on acid.  “However, right now, let’s have tea and some of these delightful treats.”  Now Ianto blushed then shook a little while serving Jack.

Jack noted how Felix shook his head like a strict schoolteacher.  He also knew that the disapproval pointed to Jack’s overreliance on sex and sexuality.  “Why do you serve me?  You’re a Dom by nature.  If anything I should be serving you.”  In the back of his mind, Jack wondered if he had anything to offer this man whose eyes betrayed his deepest feelings.  There was sexual curiosity along with care so intense, it stunned Jack and he wondered what he did to deserve it.

Ianto finished serving them both and returned to his recliner opposite Jack before answering.  “I’ve never thought of myself in such terms, but your suppositions have some merit.  However, there is much power in submission.  Someone once told me that it is the sub who controls the relationship.  By serving you, I make you dependent on me – ‘need’ has a strong allure and service can be very intimate.”

“Sounds like an advert for Downton Abbey!” Jack teased.  It reminded him of something Angelo would say –a statement that was erotic and sensible at the same time.  They both fell silent and found themselves awkwardly staring inside their cups, unable to determine next steps. 

Ianto summoned up the bravery to speak first, “Jack?”

“Yes?”

“Let’s take the tea into the bedroom.”

Jack smiled sheepishly then replied, “Yes, that sounds like a good idea, Ianto Jones.”

They brought their nervousness with them.  They sat next to each other in the bed, as if locking eyes would cause the next tear in the rift.  Instead both studed the saltwater fish tank across the room.  Jack couldn’t help but think of how that was just so Ianto – every imaginable gadget and formula to have a colony of aquatic life swim one way and back again like a meme.  And for some reason, this made Jack smile for he found the idea of it “How do you British say it, ‘brilliant’?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.  I’m Welsh.” 

Jack looked at him queerly which led both of them to break out in laughter and made moving forward less daunting.  Ianto kissed Jack tentatively at the corner of his mouth, almost like what your Nana gave you when the family came for holiday.  But for Jack it was searing like a steak touching a hot cast iron pan.  Jack closed his eyes and let go, releasing all his fears about the future and the guilt from the past.  Jack turned his body toward him, cupped Ianto’s face and pushed his tongue inside the other man’s mouth.  He was rewarded with a deep satisfying groan. 

Suddenly, Ianto pulled back.  He looked at Jack then said, “Be gentle with me.”

Jack offered one of his famous sidelong glances.  “Are you kidding me?” he said as Ianto got up to straddle Jack’s legs.  “I’m afraid I’m the prey here!”

Ianto removed Jack’s undershirt.  He returned to slowly caressing Jack’s chest.  He liked the goosebumps this was creating.  Jack’s skin felt alive, like each cell was a cornel of popcorn and Ianto’s hand was the heating element – pop, pop, pop.  When he raised his pointer finger and traced Jack’s lips, Jack let it happen, breathing deeper to control his growing arousal.  “Amazing,” slipped from Ianto’s mouth.  Ianto took Jack’s wrists and crossed them over his head.  He pressed them firmly against the wall, and instructed, “Keep them here.”   

Ianto had that strict schoolteacher voice down.  The baritone flair made Jack grin but held back as such was an inappropriate reaction in such circumstances – just plain bad form.  “Yes, . . . sir?”

“Yes is enough,” Ianto confirmed.  But now what?   Ianto had never gotten much farther than this in his fantasies.  Usually, he’d blown his load by this point.  At least once a day, especially during the work week, he had to wank off about Jack  – preferably in the shower before dressing for work (to get him through the day otherwise he’d spend all the day trying to hide his erratic erection) and before bed (Ianto did this on the couch; he didn’t know why).  Then he had an idea.  He bounced up, finished removing his clothes then said, “Get up.  Finish undressing and get up.”  He moved frantically and didn’t know why Jack didn’t understand the urgency of the moment.  Then Ianto realized that Jack was staring at him; no, Jack was admiring him or, more accurately, admiring Ianto’s body.  It was as if Jack saw something that Ianto couldn’t.  No one looked at me with desire before, not even . . . what’s her name? was inside Ianto’s thought bubble.  He realized then that he’d reflectively grabbed his cock, stroking it distracted as if its pleasure in it all was superfluous. 

Jack noted Ianto’s hand slowly moving up and down his red beast.  He didn’t move his arms despite an ache to reach out and put that tasty lollipop in his mouth.  But Jack held back, determined to help this man walk through the door and explore who he was.  “Should I release my own wrists?”

“What?  Oh, right.”  He walked over and leaned in front of Jack, then acted like he was removing the binding.  Unfortunately, Ianto didn’t initially realize the disturbance he was causing Jack until he watched Jack’s eyes move back and forth as Ianto’s prick swung like a pendulum in front of the seated man’s nose.  “Oh, terribly sorry,” he said while quickly getting back off the bed and covering his jewels with his hands.

“Doms never apologize.  They only adjust direction.”  Jack got up to follow orders.  He discharged his clothes on the floor and while Ianto was diverted by that mess, Jack added, “You are beautiful, and I can’t wait for you to sink that rock hard pole in my ass.  But I think a high-back chair would work better this first time.”

Ianto grabbed a wayward towel from the bed then followed Jack back to the living room.  “What do you mean?”

Jack looked around and chose a dark brown chair near the window.  He started to sit when Ianto jolted forward and dropped the towel on the seat just before Jack’s ball sack hit the cushion.  “Are you sure this is such a good idea?”

“What?” asked Jack, his hands dramatizing his question. 

“I don’t think my neighbours need to see this,” Ianto replied.  He walked over to the picture frame window and lifted a switch.  “Several seniors are living across the street and I don’t want to be the cause of their demise,” Ianto added as the vertical blinds closed.

“Are you sure they wouldn’t be taking notes?”

Ianto shook his head then checked that the binds were secure.  “Get up,” he said in a slight growl.  

Jack sensed that the young man was no longer joking.  He stood up and watched Ianto take his place in the chair, leaning back a bit to push his waist forward.  He took a hold of his cock again, this time with mindfulness, as if it was a holy offering.  “Didn’t you say something about riding this?”

“Oh yes, that I did!

November 28, 2021 - PRESS RELEASE

 

From the desk of Rabbi Viscount Desmond MacInnes-Reese

Congregation Emanu-El – Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom

(DRAFT) This letter to the editor is in response to the Winter 2021 piece issue of Jewish Action “The View from Pew: Where Do We Go from Here?”

This article is a wonderful starting point for understanding the 2020 Pew Study of Judaism in America. It clearly identifies not only the population loss in the American Jewish world but begins to elucidate how these causes are different within the orthodox and progressive communities. Yet, it isn’t honest enough. We have to present and face some of the difficult questions and behaviours that exist throughout the tribe but also appreciate that some problems are unique to the particular denominations and thus need different answers. I strongly believe that if we approach this “crisis” directly, we can turn a problem into a catapult of religious expression not seen since the days of the rabbis.

Just as in the last studies over the for 40 years, there has been handwringing on the preverbal Jewish “left” and “right” when it comes to the 2020 Pew study. Each time, you hear “End is Near” for Jewishness in the US as youth  continue to abandon or simply ignore the faith community. I believe, as did Rabbi Lord Johnathan Sacks, z’l declared in one of his last presentations, that this is an opportunity to again reconstruct Judaism post the Shoah. 

However, the only way we will transition from a crisis to an opportunity is if we consider the similar and unique needs in progressive and orthodox communities (I am purposely avoiding the “secular Judaism” of most Israelis as well as our homeland’s rabid, power-hungry ultra-orthodox.  The additional factors vivid in those groups are better left for another time).  And we need not wait until anti-Semitism has disappeared, as many of our elders' caution. In the 21st century, we expect that anti-Semitism won’t go away anytime soon and its disappearance is not our responsibility but the responsibility of those who claim to be our allies. A few of us can stand guard – foundations and action groups who have been doing this for decades – while we straighten ourselves out. Frankly, it’s hard to fight yetzer hara, the evil inclination, outside while plagued by the one inside. Ask any abuse survivor.  

We need honest conversations within and across progressive and orthodox Jewish groups about how we are failing the current and future Jewish community. And we shouldn’t be afraid. I imagine these are some of the same discussions since the days of the rabbis. 

We are the only civilization that exists in a perpetual identity crisis. A proactive approach would mean both groups:

·                 Recognize one another as natural, historical tensions across people trying to manage the challenges of the world they live in now. This is particularly true for those living outside of Israel where Jews are a minority and sometimes a minority within a minority (Jews of Color or JoC, for example.

·                 Recognize one reading of the Torah isn’t better or worse than another. Our faith is based on argument, debate and no interpretation of a living document is truer than another. All understandings and conceptualizations have emotional traps and philosophical dead ends. Like Mordecai Menahem Kaplan insisted I believe each generation must reconstruct the text to answer the questions faced today in ways that are relatable to Jews who live in the present. The orthodox are certain and the progressive hate to admit they too believe Torah has only one truth and only the orthodox know it. 

·                 Recognize and visibly fight against the discrimination and abuse rampant in their midst, whether it’s the excessive costs of day schools or the sexual abuse within yeshivas. I will speak to the racism found amongst progressive Jews in a moment. Stories of sexual abuse of children and the horrendous treatment of women escaping domestic violence need open, honest investigations by civil authorities so we don’t follow the example of the Catholic church.  Anyone who uses a child for his or her own deviances should be shunned, not a woman in fear for her life escaping a violent marriage.

·                 Recognize that the losses from both camps have different causes and thus different solutions; once we address those, attacking the above will be easier because each group would come to the table from a position of strength instead of a position of fear.

·                 Recognize that expressions of Judaism always lead people back to the synagogue. Does that mean that the shul needs to be all things to all Jews? No, it just means that it needs to be the spot that the Jews in that area recognize as safe and sacred. It may be now where we go for formal occasions (conversion classes, bar/bat mitzvahs, weddings, etc) that are more often associated with families and elders. However, more couples are not having children and their needs may feel more comfortable celebrating life and contemplating Hashem in other environments.

·                 Can’t synagogues have affiliated groups, extension activities and groups “off-campus” that offer a different access point to Judaism? And if you don’t have the type of shul you need to feel the joy of Hashem’s presence, then build it – Chabad figured this out early on and has grown in members as a result.

To capture the hearts and souls of those Jews who have wandered away from the tribe, progressives and the orthodox also have some internal struggles, for example:

·                 The orthodox need to accept that not only is there too much to tempt youth away from observant living, but social media makes those things too easy to access. Like some communist satellite state circa 1970, you can only isolate people so far for so long before everyone becomes an enemy of the state for wanting a pair of jeans.  

·                 The orthodox have gotten too otherworldly. The Torah is a living thing given to us to help with the world we live in now. And the answers aren’t “let’s go back to the 15th century” – we can’t no matter how much we want to. And the problems/needs of the most Haredi of families are very different than anything imagined by the Baal Shem Tov.

·                 Progressive Jews have to decide if orthodoxy is the true Judaism that we “just don’t do anymore” or if Reform Jews who fully participate in shul are good Jews too. Progressive Judaism is Judaism.

·                 Progressive Judaism has to remember that not everyone wants to be a social justice warrior and there are other important, fundamental reasons people join a faith community. People have questions around hope, family, sadness, loss and other of life’s queries.  In community, we celebrate the best and comfort during the worst of life, by always being available when one’s life gets interesting. The line in the Wedding Song goes “For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name-There is Love, there is Love.” (I know, a problematic reference considering its focus on non-feminist, cis-gendered unions but a cute song nevertheless).

·                 Racism has no place anywhere in Judaism but this is particularly onerous coming from folx who claim their liberalism like a badge of honour.  I don’t care how many social justice activities you have participated in during the last decade, if you ask a Black person who walks into your synagogue, “Excuse me but do you belong here?”, you are a racist.  Additionally, let’s be honest – as most people apply a hyper-capitalist, cost-benefit analysis to most decisions - Jews compete for souls with a Christianity that offers an easier historical and familial option for many POC. By the numbers, frankly, we should welcome anyone who is seriously willing to join a club that assures additional social distain.

In private, there are discussions amongst people of different backgrounds but who, by some happenstance, formed personal friendships. Those conversations need to be more public and louder. If we are the “Chosen people” then we need to pull up our trousers and accept the struggle like adults.  Let’s show the Christians and Muslims how to do it, eh?

Press Release

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